The worst cover versions ever
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Broken Toy: LaToya, er, inherited her brother’s looks but sadly not his voice.
Source: Supplied
COVER versions — The Voice would be mute without them.
In some rare cases the cover versions are better than the original, or at least reinvents them. Then we have the cover versions that are not only woefully misguided but simply woeful. You have been warned.
1. ROLF HARRIS — I Touch Myself
Even back in 2000, when Rolf covered the Divinyls’ classic for Andrew Denton’s Musical Challenge on Sydney radio it was hard to listen to because it’s terrible. Now with hindsight, given he’s in jail for being evil, the fact Rolf uses his O voice with lots of panting and dirtying up the already sexually-charged lyrics makes this the creepiest thing ever. As one sage YouTube viewer noted: “Now it’s Barry from E Wing that sings this to Rolf at night …”
Underneath the cover: Rolf Harris is a convicted child molester.
2. LATOYA JACKSON — Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’
Toy got her brother’s nose (shout out to the plastic surgeons of America) but sadly didn’t quite get his voice. This fact is showcased when she sings his classic hit. Bless her for trying though. And at least she wasn’t lip synching.
Underneath the cover: Toy’s original singles include You Blew, Sexbox, Oops Oh No and Hot Potato.
3. PAULA YATES — These Boots Were Made For Walking
Don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but Paula Yates didn’t just date singers Bob Geldof and Michael Hutchence, she tried the job for herself. Briefly. In 1982 BEF, featuring members of Heaven 17, recruited Yates as well as Gary Glitter and Sandie Shaw for an album of covers that would go on to kickstart Tina Turner’s career revival with her hit cover of Let’s Stay Together. Yet Yates’ cover of These Boots Were Made For Walking ended her musical career in three minutes, she would stick to interviewing singers. RIP Paula.
Underneath the cover: this is worse than the Jessica Simpson version, and that’s not much chop.
4. KANYE WEST — Bohemian Rhapsody
Hmm. Interestingly videos of ‘Ye’s karaoke cover of the Queen classic at Glastonbury get yanked off YouTube all the time. Although that parody with Freddie Mercury is pretty cool. This version below also ramps up the boos because it can. Kanye did the classic trick of holding the microphone to the audience when there’s a high note you know you have no chance in hell of reaching. We still love you Yeezy.
Underneath the cover: drummer Roger Taylor’s son slammed this on social media, along with a few million other people with ears. And Roger’s son has sat through watching Queen doing a song with 5ive.
5. RONAN KEATING — Beds are Burning
Yes, it’s that Ronan Keating and yes it’s that Beds are Burning. Ro wanted to cover an Australian song for an Australian tour a few years back. And he chose this Midnight Oil classic. “It’s got a political background but that’s not why we’re singing it,” Ro says. Then he puts on a really, really horrible vocal impression of Peter Garrett in the verses, although, credit where it’s due, he handles the chorus pretty well. And he doesn’t do the dance moves.
Underneath the cover: It’s hard to cover Midnight Oil, so most people opt not to. Ro learnt the hard way.
6. NAOMI CAMPBELL — Ride a White Swan
Not many people know Nay Nay made an album back in 1994, because it was savaged by critics and sold by the thimbleful. That was one of the things her PR team airbrushed out of her Wikipedia page. You think throwing phones at your assistant and being an absolute mole would be more problematic if people are Googling you. Her album, Babywoman, also included a cover of Sunshine on a Rainy Day as well as her attempting to cover T-Rex. She had great producers, but as a singer, she makes a great mobile tosser.
Underneath the cover: Babywoman album peaked at No. 75 in the UK.
7. TAKE THAT — Smells Like Teen Spirit
Some background. It’s 1995. Robbie Williams has jumped ship and Take That are in a death spiral. On their first tour as a four piece they decide to show the haters (none of whom were in the crowd) they’re credible musicians not just a boy band, OK? This despite the fact their singer, Gary Barlow, is one of the most successful songwriters of his generation. Their choice of cover? Smells Like Teen Spirit, played by themselves. Nirvana, like Joy Division, are pretty much sacred ground. It’s even worse than you’d imagine, especially as Barlow seems to get key lyrics wrong: is he singing ‘Jalapeno’ in the chorus?
Underneath the cover: Forget Kurt’s suicide, this was the precise moment grunge died.
8. GIRLS ALOUD v SUGABABES — Walk This Way
In some record company boardroom it was decided two UK girl bands would do the Run DMC v Aerosmith showdown. Except none of them can rap and just speak it instead. It’s awful.
Underneath the cover: it was for charity. The ultimate disclaimer to hide their shame.
9. SARA-MARIE — I’m So Excited
Oh no. Remember the lady with the bunny ears from Big Brother? Someone thought they could score a quick novelty hit by plonking Sara Marie with girl band Sirens for a Pointer Sisters cover. They could sing, she couldn’t, but everyone involved got the Cher vocoder treatment for good measure. There’s also lots of Sara Marie’s cackling, asking ‘Where’s Ben and Blair?’ and doing her trademark Bum Dance. Never has a song sounded more like a cheap and nasty cash grab. It went Top 20.
Underneath the cover: it was produced by Owen Bolwell, who produced Merril Bainbridge’s Mouth.
10. PETER ANDRE & JORDAN — A Whole New World
Speaking of Autotune, it is a machine that can work miracles and sustain careers of the useless. But what happens when it’s removed? Someone leaked the raw vocal from balloon-chested glamour model Jordan, singing with her husband, the ex-pat Australian tan fan. It proved beyond doubt that there really is no beginning to her talents. Warning: your ears are about to hate you.
Underneath the cover: these two actually released an album. And the Brits bought it.
11. GEORGE MICHAEL — True Faith
You’ve got one of the most loved voices of your generation. So what does George Michael do? You turn the vocoder up to 11 for your New Order cover to disguise your voice. Ever since the moody reworking of Tears for Fears’ Mad World people have been desperate to turn upbeat ‘80s hits into depressing ballads by removing all the fun. If you like lullabies sung by stoner Daleks this could be your jam.
Underneath the cover: this was recorded during George’s hazy herbal daze but the sales went to charity, so …
12. GENE SIMMONS — Firestarter
No matter how often Gene puts his demon boot in his mouth, it will be hard to top this Prodigy cover as the worst thing he’s ever done. “It’s terrible,” said the Prodigy’s Liam Howlett, a man who was such a Kiss fan he named his son Ace. He was absolutely correct, and he was the person standing to make royalties from it. Simmons’ vocals make the Prodigy’s Keith Flint sound like Frank Sinatra.
Underneath the cover: this came from an album called Asshole.
13. CASCADA — Truly Madly Deeply
Someone, somewhere in Europe heard Savage Garden’s heartfelt ballad and thought `This song is great, but really needs some cheesy trance and ill-fitting guitar injected into it’. Less a cover than a full suffocation until near asphyxiation.
Underneath the cover: this reached No. 4 in the UK, the same spot Savage Garden’s original made in that territory. There is no pop justice.
14. CRAZY FROG — Last Christmas
The Wham! anthem is one of the most covered modern festive hits. This would pass as an OK dance remake, but someone decided to shoehorn in that blasted ringtone amphibian. Remember when Crazy Frog was a thing? They were great times. And whoever thought of it is probably living on their own island.
Underneath the cover: Last Christmas has been covered by everyone from Hilary Duff to The XX. Both are better than this.
15. RUPERT EVERETT — Tainted Love
Who knew Rupe covered this song, more in the original northern soul version than the hit Soft Cell cover. He botched this song like a backyard plastic surgeon. Rupe also sang backing vocals on his then-mate Madonna’s abysmal cover of Don McLean’s American Pie. Hush now, Rupe.
Underneath the covers: Tainted Love was for a 1987 movie Hearts on Fire that also starred Bob Dylan and did not trouble box offices worldwide.
